Margaret Albaugh

Where I End, and You Begin

 “Where I End, and You Begin” explores my experience of motherhood and the fears I have of myself. For me, motherhood has been as much about raising myself as it has been about raising my children. I struggle every day inside my mind, battling what I learned to say and what I want to say. There's a narrative in society that intergenerational trauma and depression look like sadness. And the cure must be joy. Our society assumes motherhood is a Madonna-esque sacrifice that cumulates in the purest of happiness. But unresolved issues can reveal itself in many ways in a mother - as loneliness, rage, frustration, claustrophobia, apathy. Motherhood, despite the joy that exists, is not the balm. 

In "Where I End, and You Begin" I explore how I see my maternal energy - as rage and struggle - and what I fear my children will inherit from me.  I was an angry child and wavered in and out of depressive episodes my whole life. I didn’t want kids. I didn’t know how to raise kids – as the child of an immigrant single mother, I was barely raised myself. As a mother, I saw the worst in myself - my rage, my inwardness, my anxiety. And sometimes I see that in the interactions of my daughters, whether it is truly there or not.

I did have kids though. I documented their lives and found moments where I saw my anger pouring out through their little bodies. The way they stood beside each other, or more often, over each other. The way they took their anger out on the objects around them.

But I also photographed their curiosities, their imaginations, their creations. I know their are ways my past has influenced their presence. But I am also learning to heal and see the wonderful people they are becoming. I have learned to see my insecurities for what they are, which is more about me and less about my daughters. This has given me the grace to see myself as a mother differently, as human, which has never felt allowed.

        If I let them, I know they will find their way to tenderness and individuality. There is more to them than what I fear; there is more to me than what I fear. They came from my body, but they are becoming their own people. They are in the pollen in a puddle, the hot embers rushing into the cool night. And this is how I know… I have found where I end, and they begin.

I hope this work speaks to the experiences that many mothers have but are afraid to share, that they may see their battles and their wins and know that their struggle is valid and worth it. Our society is not built for healthy motherhood - our society is built for isolation. And healthy families do not grow in isolation; mothers and guardians need support.