Am I Not Scared Anymore? by Sergei Stroitelev

In 2019 my close friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time she could not look at herself in the mirror and stop communication with people. I offered her to take some pictures of her and it helped a lot. She did not allow to publish her photo - it was not my aim in that case. But it gave me idea that I could find other women who wanted to publicly share their experience which I considered very important.

About 55 thousand cases of breast cancer are identified in Russia every year - that's a lot. There are stories of thousands of women hidden behind statistics and numbers who fight this disease every day.
When a patient is diagnosed with cancer, not only surgery is important, but also the condition after that. The process of accepting a new body is a hard emotional work.
In the project "Am I not scared anymore?" brave women tell their stories and share thoughts about what happened to them. They also pose for a portrait in a way they feel comfortable and in the image which defines their emotional state.
The diagnosis and following post-mastectomy processes transformed their personality - they changed their attitude towards themselves, their femininity, time and priorities. These beautiful girls found the inner strength to struggle with all the fears.

The project which consists of heroines' portraits and the visualization of their dreams is a powerful message to all patients who couldn't accept themselves after mastectomy. Moreover it is a message to the society at large all over the world. Naked woman's body with scars is taboo especially in Russia and mastectomy is considered something shameful, ugly. "If you have been operated don't show your body to anyone": people say. The present project is to fight with the taboo, beauty cliches and stereotypical perception of a woman's body.

Saint-Petersburg, Moscow (Russia), 2019-22

Mirror that reflects a plant wh...eptance comes after long time.

Mirror that reflects a plant which one of the characters saw in her dreams.

First look at the mirror is one of the most difficult steps to take after the operation. All the women feel desperate after that - acceptance comes after long time.

For most women with this diagno...still cannot accept themselves.

For most women with this diagnosis nude photography is not possible for a number of reasons, including total rejection of a new body. But portrayed women decided to take this step thus trying to reach other women in the same situation who still cannot accept themselves.

Natalia: “I felt a l...elf up for old age.”

Natalia: “I felt a lump in my chest in 2012. Then the ground disappeared from under my feet, I was not ready for this diagnosis. I didn't even think that at the age of 29 this could happen to me. I did not know how my husband would react to complete breast removal – it was already small. When he came up to me, I shrank inside however he
never reprimanded me.
After a while, I found a lump in the second breast. To put it mildly, I was depressed. The second breast was also removed. After the operation, I could not look calmly in the mirror and still do not do it very often. The first time I was able to step over myself in a spa center in Germany, where I had to completely undress, but Russian people are not ready for this.
I really want to believe that cancer can be treated, that there will still be some years of remission and I will see how my daughter grows up, how she will get married. I am setting myself up for old age.”

Elena: "I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I recalled the words of a friend who said - for people like you, 99% will be all right, but there it was.
Before the operation, there was a terrible fear, even thoughts that I did not need the breast - only life. I looked at the mirror at home for the first time. The seam was terrible, but I took it quite calmly.
Then there was chemotherapy. I knew that on the 14-15th day hair should fall out. I remember that my friend and I were at Kuindzhi's exhibition with his white canvases, I straightened my hair and stayed with a shred in my palm.
Disease makes you look at your environment in a different way - you part with unnecessary people. My life now is a blank slate, a white canvas like Kuindzhi's painting."

Svetlana: "I found a l...ask for forgiveness."

Svetlana: "I found a lump in my chest and decided to go to the doctor.
There were thoughts that at the age of 40 it was just a beginning. I got a new job and this diagnosis hit me very hard. To be honest, I had already buried myself. I chose a dress and told my sister - “bury me in it”.
I was told that doctors would perform a radical mastectomy. I looked at the pictures on the Internet, they impressed me. I was so afraid.
I accepted myself, but I had a relationship with a man that ended. I later found out that he was cheating on me, too. There were reasons deeper than my physical transformation, although at first I thought he was leaving because of this.
7 years passed. Now I got rid of the fear. And I also began to treat people differently. Sometimes you make high demands on people, but you yourself don't meet them. When I got sick, I bought a notebook in which I wrote down all the names of people from whom I wanted to ask for forgiveness."

An image of a sewn scar in the ...ich Svetlana saw in her dreams.

An image of a sewn scar in the sky which Svetlana saw in her dreams.

Scar left after breast removal.

Olga: "I first discove... to change your life."

Olga: "I first discovered a lump in my chest in October 2019. At that time, I did not live, but existed - work, work, work. The self-destruct mechanism was launched. The first phrase I said to the doctor was "Do I need to write a will?" There was fear - what will happen to the child, who will take care of her?
I remember how the hair began to climb in clumps during chemotherapy. I prepared myself - I watched all sorts of videos of bloggers where they shaved their heads. I also went to the hairdresser to shave. By the way, we are born bald and no one tells us that we are ugly. In all this, it is veryimportant to accept yourself with scars and weaknesses.
Life after oncology is just beginning, a lot of opportunities open up. The disease seems to take away the visor and you begin to see everything. People, prospects, opportunities. This is the last chance to change your life."

Irina: "The biopsy res...ed me. Very dramatic."

Irina: "The biopsy result came to my phone during lunch break at work. I read it - "cancer". Immediately I decided to die, maybe the treatment was useless? However doctors said the prognosis was good.
The chemotherapy passed without any particular complications. During the operation, a biopsy was done, which showed that metastases were still in the lymph nodes and a certain number of cells at the site of the tumor. Therefore, the operation was 100% justified.
My husband strongly supported me - he began to cook. Unloaded me. I talked to daughter, although my husband was against it. She took it quite adequately, said that she had seen it in the movies. There were such moments – I lay down on her knees and she stroked me. Very dramatic."

Tatiana: "In 2018 I ac...me in a relationship."

Tatiana: "In 2018 I accidentally discovered that something was wrong with my breast. I will forever remember this day. I went to the doctor for an appointment. They said that it was oncology. "We will cut the breast." they added. To tell a young girl that you will be left without a breast. Our doctors have no idea how to approach patients.
After mastectomy I was looking at myself in the mirror, I said "I'm not beautiful." That time it seemed to me that no one would need me.
The diagnosis divided people around into two camps. A lot of them dropped out. One friend wrote that she was holding her fists for me when I went to the first chemotherapy, and then she suddenly began ignoring me. Thanks to oncology, I ended a toxic relationship. It was an abuser who humiliated me for everything. When I found out about the diagnosis, I said — I am leaving, period.
I began to treat many things differently. I will never allow
anyone to destroy me in a relationship."

Torso with red threads and a fl... believes it means her rebirth.

Torso with red threads and a flower which Tatiana saw in her dreams. She believes it means her rebirth.

Lena: "On Friday the 1...which covers my scar."

Lena: "On Friday the 13th 2018 I made an MRI because
of the pain in the chest. They found a tumor. Beautiful weather, FIFA World Cup, everyone is busy, no one to call and ask – I was so scared.
And my divorce which was in the process. Husband kept in touch, came to the hospital and this was what leaving hope that we could get together. But one day he brought me an icon saying he was praying for me with his new girlfriend.
It was necessary to get out of this vicious circle. There is always a way out. Oncological communities help a lot. I looked for them rather then for the terrible statistics and survival rates on the Internet.
I am still working on myself and I believe that if we can do something externally in order to accept ourselves internally, then why not, so I decided to get a tattoo which covers my scar."

Patient's hands. Some g...ds who passed away from cancer.

Patient's hands.
Some girls from cancer community are making tattoos that symbolize their recovery.
Many of them become close friends on the basis of the diagnosis. They also get tattoos in memory of their friends who passed away from cancer.

Katya: "I was diagnose... and during her working hours.

Katya: "I was diagnosed recently - at the end of March last year. There were a lot of plans, I didn’t believe until the last, didn’t want to believe.
Before the operation, I began to read different articles learning more about the disease and hoped that everything would be fine. There wasn’t much fear - I am myself a very calm person.
To be honest, I still don’t understand whether I accepted my new body
or not - at times there is acceptance, and then depression: I try to get lost in the cycle of affairs, but sometimes it is really hard.
After the operation, chemotherapy began - it affected my skin a lot.
As far as the hairs are concerned, I also knew that they would fall out.
I shaved them off and bought a wig.
I can say that the disease changes. I began to notice life around and to value very simple things."

Katya is taking off her wig which she usually wears publicly and during her working hours.

Katya captured without a wig fo...l do not know about her issues.

Katya captured without a wig for the first time ever. She has never been photographed without it before. Katya is trying to hide her diagnosis. Her co-workers still do not know about her issues.

Visualization of one of Katya's dreams.

Sergei Stroitelev

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